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| "Why can't I come inside? I brought home something special to share!" |
So today my dog rolled in Something. Even though I don’t technically know what it
was, I still feel like, given the … nature… of it, the capitol letter is
appropriate. This wasn’t the ordinary
variety of random substance that country dogs are going to find to roll
in. This was oily, and chunky, and
SMELLY.
I had let the dogs out when I when
I got home from pole. Since it was
dark I had put their special light-up collars on them. These are more so the dogs think I can see
them than anything. The Border Collie is smart enough to know that, once the
collar is on, she isn’t getting away with anything and mostly sulks around the
lighted area of the yard. The Labrador , however, tends to bound away into the darkness,
blissfully thinking “I’m a black dog.
It’s night. I’m innnnviiiiiisible!” Never mind the blinking red beacon around her
neck.
When I called the dogs to come in,
the Border Collie sulked right over. The
Labrador stood at the edge of the field
staring at me. Or at least I think she
was staring at me. Her collar floated in
the blackness at the edge of the field, not moving. Trying to decide if I could see her or
not. “HANNAH! COME!” The collar began to move, picking up speed as
it neared the porch, obviously thinking “Oh crap. She saw me.
I wonder how she always sees me.
I’m invisible. She must be
magic.”
Opening the door, I reached down to
take the collars off the dogs. My hand
brushed the top of the Labrador ’s back as I
fumbled with the plastic clasp. “OH!
ISH!” My hand was now covered with
something oily and brown. And really,
really smelly. The Labrador
looked up at me with a very pleased expression on her face. She obviously
brought this back to share. There was a
long smear all the way down her back of…Something. “OUT! OUTSIDE NOW!” I slammed the door behind her. Awesome.
Now I had a dog that needed a bath.
At night. In October.
Luckily, all
of my waterproof duck hunting gear was already out for the season,
and it seemed the only reasonable way to keep myself even mildly dry during the
experience. The Labrador is not a fan of baths
even at the best of times. She loves
water. She loves getting petted. But, you add soap to the mix and suddenly she
feels the only reasonable course of action is to shake violently and attempt to
run away. Which causes the person washing her to alternately try to push her
away, then grab her, usually getting a bath themselves in the process. It’s…fun.
Because it’s mid fall in northern Minnesota, all the outside water is shut off to keep spigots and lines from
freezing and bursting and all the hoses are coiled nicely and put away. Which meant I was left with either carrying
water outside or trying to bring the dog inside to the shower. There was no way she was coming in the house
like that, so I decided to try option one first.
After my third attempt at hanging
on to a partially soapy, very slippery Labrador while trying to pour an ice
cream pail of water over her back, I realized that getting her rinsed like this
was going to take approximately 856 pails of water – each of which required going
into the house, taking off my boots, going over to the sink, filling the pail,
putting my boots back on and going back outside- and, therefore, the rest of the
evening. So, on to option two.
Now Hannah, while occasionally a
little slow on the uptake, has learned that if I try to get her into the
bathroom and close the door it’s probably not going to be fun. So, when she realized where we were heading,
she went into full reverse thrust with all four paws. Anyone who uses the phrase “It’s like herding
cats” has obviously never tried to herd
a soapy, smelly, slippery Labrador into somewhere she doesn’t want to go
without letting her touch anything.
After this cats would be a piece of cake.
But just getting her into the
bathroom wasn’t enough – I also had to get her into the tub. Which was like engaging in a wrestling match with
a small but powerful midget who had been alternately dipped in oil and stink bait. And in a room that was inherently slippery
and only becoming more so. Except the
tub. The sides of the tub are apparently
quite grippy, because Hannah managed to get all four paws wedged against them,
cartoon style, and no amount of pushing or shoving from me was going to change
that. So all I could do was play my last
card. “Hannah! Sit!” She looked at me indignantly but she lowered
her butt toward the floor of the tub, where it remained, hovering an inch over
the water, until we were done with the bath.
Thanks to having a showerhead on a
flexible hose finishing the bath was a relatively easy task. Getting the shower curtain closed before she
shook was not. At least I was still
wearing my duck hunting gear.
Now I was faced with the problem of
having a clean, but soaking wet Labrador . I couldn’t put her outside until she dried –
it was already below freezing and only getting colder. And having her inside until she dried would
mean keeping an eagle eye on her for hours, since much of our house that she is
accustomed to laying on is carpeted, cushioned, pillowed or otherwise very
water absorbent. So I tried drying her
with a towel, which she seemed to think was ok, but wasn’t very effective at
actually getting her dry.
This is when I hit on what I
thought was a brilliant idea. The hair
dryer works on my hair – why wouldn’t it work on Labrador
fur? Hannah did not think this was a
brilliant idea. In fact, she wasn’t sure
she wanted anything to do with it. She
thought that walking rapidly away from the noisy contraption that her crazy
owner had was probably the best bet. But
the bathroom is small. There’s really nowhere to go. And did I mention it was slippery? I’m fairly certain that a small girl in full
duck hunting camo following a Labrador in
skittery circles around the bathroom with a blow dryer is not in the “What to
Expect When You Get A Puppy” books anywhere.
But it worked. I now had a reasonably dry Labrador
that smelled heavily of lemon dish soap. And a bathroom heavily in need of
cleaning. And I’m doubting I’ll be going
into the pet grooming business any time soon.
