I recently
recovered our sectional couch. Because
it was such an enlightening experience, I thought I would give you a step by step
breakdown of how I did it. WARNING: This is not an actual tutorial. If you can re-upholster a couch correctly after reading this, congratulations. You're doing better than I am.
1: Determine, approximately
15 minutes after carrying our old, extremely awkward, exceedingly heavy couch
all the way around the house to find a door it would fit through and then
wrestling it around a tricky corner into the living room that it absolutely
will not work in our new house. Explain
calmly to my husband (who was on the heavy end of the couch) why we need a new,
larger, heavier one. Determine a
budget. Realize that everything nice is
waaaaaaay outside our budget. Actually
anything even semi-nice is outside our budget. Finally find one. Granted, it sort of resembles a decomposing buffalo crouching in the corner of the thrift store, but it's really comfortable and… reasonably intact. And, at $75,
it’s only a little over budget.
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| The decomposing buffalo crouching in the corner of the living room. I mean, our very attractive new couch. |
2: Decide, based on previous
couch re-covering experience, that this one shouldn't be a big deal to
re-cover. However, I never paid actual
money for a couch before, so they were all ugly and decrepit enough when I got
them that anything would be an improvement.
And, all of them were re-covered haphazardly in one afternoon with
material from the super-extra-discounted-just-take-this-please bin. But I’m
paying real money for this couch. I’m going to do it right. Read some books,
research it on the web, talk to a friend who has done a little upholstery. Really, how much harder could this one be?
3. Get couch home and begin actual research on re-upholstering
a sectional couch. Turns out there are a
LOT more steps in this upholstery thing than
what I had previously done. Safety pins
and duct tape aren't mentioned anywhere.
And holy crap is upholstery fabric expensive! What do they weave this stuff out
of? Gold and unicorn tears? My sewing machine took one look at the project we
were up against and started projectile vomiting random parts.
4. Determine that, between the cost of the fabric, the cost
of replacing the terminally ill sewing machine, and the unlikelihood of getting this one done in an afternoon, it is better relegated to the list of
perpetually put off projects. Keep couch
on this list for almost two years.
Anytime it comes up in conversation respond vaguely with the implication
that I’ll get around to it as soon as I finish doing research.
5. While bandaging up slightly cranky husband after his
second time disentangling a pissed off, struggling cat from rapidly
disintegrating couch upholstery promise to make recovering the couch a higher
priority. Go into emergency research
mode.
6. Buy replacement
for now deceased sewing machine. Realize
there is no money left in the budget for upholstery fabric. Ask friend with some upholstery experience
her thoughts on using drop cloths as upholstery fabric. Realize later that, if upon hearing about the project,
your friend with upholstery experience starts sending you craigslist ads for
other sectional sofas that’s Northern Minnesotan for “Are you $%^*ing crazy?”
7. Go to major home
improvement warehouse and buy all available drop cloths in the size I
need. Return home. Pull out section of the couch. Walk around
couch. Walk around couch the other way. Try to decide where to begin. Unfortunately, all the upholstery information
talks about recovering couches that they WANT to recover, not ones that really
NEED recovering. On this couch, there is no “Take apart the old cushion covers
and use them as patterns to make new ones.” The cushion covers are already “apart” (see
disentangling pissed off, struggling cat from upholstery) and, over time couch geology has
taken its toll, reshaping the cushions into mountain ranges and
deserts of stuffing.
8. Rip off old covers and pin fabric around
cushion to create new cushion cover.
Attempt to remove new cover from cushion in order to sew it. Nothing
happens. Realize I have accidentally
pinned new cover to cushion.
Re-pin. Attempt to remove
cover. Nothing happens. Yank
harder. Realize, as pins pop out of the
fabric and spray about the room like shrapnel, that I pinned the fabric too
tight. Collect pins. Re-pin more
loosely. Gingerly remove cover. Start to sew.
Realize there is an optimum direction for placing pins in fabric for
ease of removal while sewing - and mine are backwards. Swear loudly enough that dogs retreat to
basement.
9. Finally finish sewing. Turn cover right side out
and wrestle onto cushion (use chin for additional leverage). Hey, that doesn't look too bad! Only…12 more to go. And none of them are the same shape, so I
don’t have to worry about anything I learned on this one applying to any of the
others! That’s handy.
10. Finish up all 6 cushions on first half of couch. Decide to move on to re-upholstering couch
frame because the idea of making another cushion cover right now makes me
twitch. Remove ugly skirt from
couch. That wasn't so bad – pop a few
staples and it pulls right off. Start to
remove staples from main body of couch using a flat head screwdriver and a pair
of needle nose pliers. *Note: Flat head
screwdrivers are not really “flat”. They
are pointy. Very pointy. This is now a two Band-Aid project.
11. Realize that there are approximately 876 billion staples
in this couch. There are staples on top
of other staples. There are staples that
don’t appear to actually be holding anything to the couch - as though the
person with the staple gun was attempting to create their own little work of
art. There are places where the fabric
was stapled down, folded over and stapled down, folded over again and stapled
down again creating a clever little nesting doll of staples that will explode
outward with a spray of metal and profanity when I pry on it. Dogs retreat to basement again.
12. Finally get couch
denuded. Am excited to see that couch is
made entirely of real wood. Attempt to
raise spirits by congratulating myself on what a steal this couch was. Pretend to believe self. Pin fabric around arm of the
couch. Remove fabric. Congratulate self for not pinning fabric to couch. Sew. Turn fabric right side out and
realize that it’s now a mirror image of couch arm. Swear quietly. Attempt to solve this problem by pinning fabric
around arm on other half of couch, which faces opposite direction. Sew. Turn fabric right side out and
realize that, while it now faces the right way, due to continental stuffing
drift, the couch arms are not actually the same shape any more. Spend rest of evening going back and forth
from couch to sewing machine to make fabric fit on couch arms.
13. Finally finish one half of couch. Breath sigh of relief. Then realize that means I get to start making cushion covers again. Go back to swearing
quietly. Increase volume of swearing in
proportion to how rapidly I’m going through drop cloths. Apparently the cushions on this half of the
couch are mostly larger than the ones on the other half. Start cutting material for final cushion. Realize I’m ONE side of ONE cushion
short. Spend 20 minutes turning fabric
in all directions as though that will make it magically grow six inches and I can finish
this *$%&ing cushion.
14. Return to major home improvement warehouse for more drop
cloths. Buy two so I’ll be sure to have
enough. Finish final cushion. YAY! Just one more half of the frame to upholster and I’m
done! Now I get to start removing staples again. Crap.
15. Three more band-aids and 965 gazillion staples later
finally finish removing fabric from couch frame. Come to the conclusion that this side of the
couch is considerably larger than I thought.
I may not have enough drop cloths for this…. Solve dilemma by not recovering back of
couch and shoving it up against wall. Couch
is DONE! …(ish)
 |
| The "finished" couch. Now a beautiful swan. Don't look at the back. |
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